How to Set Your Standards for Dating (and Stick to Them)
Dating. One of the most complex social phenomena to navigate in today’s society. Many people have a vague idea of what they want in a partner, but when it comes to putting it into practice we tend to compromise in favour of “oh but he’s such a nice guy” or even “but he says I’m the one”. So how do we stick to our standards when it’s ever so easy to push them aside once we begin getting to know the person? After all, they’re a human being, not a checklist.
Well, actually, sometimes a checklist is exactly what we need. Since we’re so predisposed to reduce the importance of our wants and needs, it can help to have a written (or typed) list of exactly what we’re looking for in a partner. Start with your deal-breakers, things that you absolutely won’t budge on. For example, if you’re someone who knows you would definitely like children in the future, it wouldn’t make sense to date someone who hates the idea of having a child around. Other deal-breakers may include personality traits, such as being optimistic, or having a particular religion. It’s also good to know your expectations, things that are ideal but not an absolute deal-breaker, such as having a degree. My list includes “ideally not socially awkward”, as I’ve dated someone in the past who put his hood up and literally ran away when faced with the prospect of greeting my friends. An interesting experience for sure. Thirdly, you should note down what you’re attracted to, i.e. what your preferences are. I have a pretty varied list but the main ones are that I’m attracted to extroverts who love to travel and can speak multiple languages.
It may sound obvious but in order to make this list you need to know yourself. It takes a bit of reflection and even perhaps a walk down memory lane to figure out exactly what you like in a partner. I’d recommend taking some time out in a quiet space to think clearly and write your lists without any distraction.
So what do I do once I’ve made these lists? Well, nothing at first. But every time you start dating a new person, it’s a good idea to keep looking over and updating the list to remind yourself of your standards. It doesn’t mean you have to conduct a full-on job interview on the first date and reject them if they don’t meet one of your criteria, but it’s good to have in the back of your mind throughout.
Despite this, we all know that sometimes we meet a person who isn’t good for us and we’re perfectly aware that they aren’t good for us but they just have this magnetism that draws us to them, regardless of our better judgment. That’s where having a good friend to hold you accountable comes in. It took me a long time to accept that I wasn’t often making good decisions when it came to dating, which is why now I have a couple of friends who I consistently update on my dating endeavours. Whether you need to hear “don’t go back to your ex” or “he sounds like an f-boy”, that trustworthy friend who always has your back will be essential in your journey of sticking to your standards and levelling up in your dating life.
